Closing a Journal

I wrote on the last page of a journal I have been writing in since Jan. 2009. I always like going back and reading all of the places God has taken me, all the low and high moments I have experienced, and the ways I have grown. Most of its contents are between me and God, but I wanted to share a couple of things it reminded me of.

First, this summer I worked on Summer Staff at Young Life's Sharp Top Cove camp in Georgia. Every Sunday morning, after the campers had left Saturday night and before the new campers arrived Sunday afternoon, we would all get together and worship and be encouraged for the upcoming week. One Sunday, Jim Branch (speaker and director) had us all take a nametag and write down the name that we believe most of the time about ourselves and stick it on our shirt. We looked around and realized who most of us believe we are. "Not enough," "Trash," "Failure," and "Unlovable" were just a few. Then he had us tear up the name we call ourselves, write the name that God calls us on a new nametag, and stick it on. I realized that I call myself "fearful, falling apart, needy one" whereas God calls me "whole, healed one" and "mine." Just last week, I came to the realization that while I let the Lord heal my life before, I expect it to be over for good and then wonder why I continue to struggle so much. He did heal me from my pain and from myself, but also wants to be my daily healer and when I live my life on my own, I am ultimately refusing to let him be my healer. Healing can be a one-time event, but it is, more than not, a daily process. So, this week I have been calling God my "daily healer."

Secondly, the Lord has brought me to so many places this year that I have been before. He has brought me to these places as a way of reminding me of his underlying, constant faithfulness in my life.

• I went to SharpTop as a camper in May of 2008--happy to experience Young Life and unsure about college. I met Lindsay Oaks for the first time and got to talk with her. My grandparents came to visit the very last day of camp. I returned to SharpTop in June of 2009 happy to serve the campers and excited to get to know my fellow summer staffers. Lindsay was there as a head leader and we shared life stories and future hopes. My granddad had died since I was at SharpTop and my grandmother moved continents.
• I returned to Windy Gap (YL camp in NC) in the fall of 2009 as a leader with Sweetwater after going for the first time in the fall of 2006. First time, I sat behind a garbage can and wrestled with with my issues and with God and coming back I realized how much peace and life God had given me since then.
• I shared Urbana 2009 with close friends and I asked better questions. Urbana 2006 was great and 2009 built on what I learned. In 2006, I was looking for a short-term opportunity and in 2009 I was looking for opportunities after college. In 2006, I was exposed to issues such as human trafficking and in 2009 I was impressed with the amount of collaboration between mission organizations, the enablement of local missionaries, and the holistic view of missions.
• Every time I come back to Bryan after a break, I am reminded of all the things God has done for me in this place and all the things I have learned. I am grateful for the friends I have, the skills I have learned, and the person I am becoming.

Finally, Psalm 62 has really inflitrated my life and thoughts this year.

Psalm 62
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence? They only plan to thrust him down from his high position. They take pleasure in falsehood. They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse. For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Those of low estate are but a breath; those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath. Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them. Once God has spoken; twice I have heard this: that power belongs to God and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love. For you will render to a man according to his work. (ESV)